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Remember when the 2 Live Crew illegally sampled that one Van Halen riff for “Welcome to the Fuck Shop”?

Yeah… That ruled.

Van Halen sued them, but I think it was settled out of court.

I also think Tone Loc stole a bunch of their shit and got away with it…

After experiences like these, you would think the last thing a famous musician would wanna do is open his home to a bunch of strangers. (Not to mention several bona-fide degenerates.)

But that’s exactly what Eddie Van Halen did last weekend, when he and Michael Ninn threw a huge party at Eddie’s mansion in the hills to celebrate the release of Sacred Sin, the latest Ninn Worx DVD.

The guest list was tight, and as usual, I arrived late. Which meant I had to wait in line with a couple hundred people — including several annoyed-looking cast members of the film.

Yeah, it sucked… But I didn’t really mind. I had been drinking since noon, so I already had a pretty good buzz going. And since cameras were banned from the party, it gave me time to figure-out how I was going to crotch my Treo.

Earlier, I watched a bootleg DVD of Van Halen at the ’83 US Festival — With Diamond Dave doing karate kicks in his ass-less chaps, and Eddie tapping the neck of his red & white Frankenstrat.

Yes, I realize how gay that sounds. But let’s face it — Eddie is one of those rare individuals that created something that forever changed the way the electric guitar would be played. Using the Floyd Rose system, he revolutionized the sound and direction of rock music — which puts him in league with guitar gods like Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton, and Kip Winger.

(That last one was a joke. Kip played bass, and his band was fucking retarded.)

By the time I made it to the mansion, the party was in full-tilt. About six Jack & Coke’s later, it became downright surreal.

Walking around that party was like doing peyote while listening to Van Halen’s Fair Warning, then jerking off to porn and falling asleep while watching a Cirque du Soleil DVD.

It was essentially a Ren Faire with an open bar — Filled with acrobats, fire-breathers, and drunk chicks eating each other’s pussies by a pool.

Eddie played a set in the backyard with a band called “The Starfuckers.” They sounded great, and played a ton of nostalgic VH hits in good form.

Billy Idol was also scheduled to play, but he was a no-show. The rumor was that Idol didn’t want to be associated with the porn industry — which is retarded and ironic.

(Direct quote from Eddie: “I never missed a fucking gig in my life!”)

I only got a few shitty, low-quality pics with my camera phone. Lucky for you, the shots that turned-out were of babes like Sarah Blake, Lux Kassidy and Franchezca Valentina.

Out of everyone at the party, Eddie was the only one who looked out-of-place. He just chilled and walked-around with a bottle of wine… Sitting around the living room, tuning his guitar with a cigarette dangling from his lip, and wearing his trademark ripped boots with the toe showing.

As the party wound-down, Eddie played classical music on his grand piano. It was around this time that I was told Tianna Lynn had puked all over the foyer and passed-out. This was never confirmed, but I know the paramedics showed-up with a fire truck that blocked the entire driveway — Causing the party to go a couple more hours into the night. (No complaints here.)

Departing guests were handed gift bags that contained expensive watches, DVDs, G-strings, dildos & alcohol.

Happy Trails indeed.

Sacred Sin, featuring the music of Eddie Van Halen is now available through PornValleyXXX and Adult Video Universe.

Additional Photos ©2006 ChrisKingPhoto.com

Bo Kenney had another killer party. Open bar, and as usual I was distracted by my beautiful friends. My ugly ones, too. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Unless you’re one of those people hoping to see more pics of yourself on the internet.

Miss Me? I haven’t posted anything in two whole days. You people must be climbing the fucking walls. Especially those of you who have been waiting to see my photos from the AVN Expo.

I’m happy to inform you that your wait is officially over. And before you ask — Yes, I’m still working on the pictures from the parties. (These require a bit more effort, as I have to blur Tee-Reel’s cock out of every shot.)

I know what you’re thinking. “Thank-you Ray for being so gracious with your talent and time.” Just take it easy everybody, I have always loved the little people. (That’s you.)

I’m now thinking of jerking-off and going to bed.